God is teaching me about provision. His provision to be more specific. I would saying trying to teach me, but it would be more like trying to learn, because He wont stop teaching it until I get it. This is something I really want to get, but it is painful.
Provision is a : the act or process of providing b : the fact or state of being prepared beforehand c : a measure taken beforehand to deal with a need or contingency.
A little background info on me.
My parents got divorced when I was young. Both of them were broken and poor equipped to handle the emotional needs of themselves, let alone others. This means I and my sister were pretty much left in a sort of emotional void. I learned early on that I no one was going to truly be there for me, so if I needed something, I had to take care of it. Enter in a life if petty theft and manipulation. If I wanted something, I would find a way to get it. Someone else might actually purchase or acquire it for me, but I worked them to get what I wanted. Healthy lifestyle right. The problem with this is that my emotional needs were never met. I would get a small degree of satisfaction from whatever physical thing I got, but the emotional need was still there needing to be addressed.
In order to allow God to provide for me, I have to stop trying to provide for myself. This means actually dealing with the emotional needs that have been buried. Thus the painful aspect of this lesson.
How do you just stop ignoring the emotional pains and start dealing with them? They were ignored for a reason.
It has been an interesting time of reflection to see why I do what I do. I will start to do something and I hear God tell me no. A nagging type of no. You hear it but don’t want to acknowledge it. He doesn’t stop though, so it ends with a “fine, I wont do that” response. Then I ask Him to show me what it is that I am trying to satisfy with my actions. You would think that once you see the issue that it would be quick to resolve. Oh, I need work on that and it will be taken care of. Not so. The issues are so engrained that they surface in different ways.
The positive is that I will stop being my own god in that area of my life. I will end up surrendering my control to try and make myself feel satisfied and rely on God to do it.