I saw a couple of girls from high school talking on Facebook the other day and I got annoyed with my reaction to seeing it. There were no long lost memories or anything like that. They were talking about a normal every day issue in one of their lives and the other one was praising Jesus and saying the positive thing would come to pass.
Now I am charismatic, so someone trying to speak something into being doesn’t phase me. It is the person who is saying it that causes me to pause. I remember them from high school and the way their life was back then. That old image does not line up with what they are saying. Instinctively, I wanted to reject what was being said based solely on interaction with them years ago.
I am not a big fan of proclaiming things will come to pass. It isn’t that I don’t believe it. It is just that it usually sounds cheesy and fake. Like people are hoping it will come to pass and if it doesn’t at least they tried. Not really sure why I am so cynical in this area. I think it goes back to all those fake little Christian people I had to deal with growing up. Oh course those people were Methodist, so there was never any speaking anything into being. It is the attitude of people who have no faith but are going through the motions and saying the words hoping to get it. I do that at times too.
I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I have areas of doubt in my life, as all Christians do, but there are some areas that I am reluctant to admit my doubt. As I said before, I am a charismatic Christian. I believe in the full workings of the gifts of the Holy Spirit. I have experienced some of the gifts, so it makes it easier to believe that they are indeed real. I don’t feel like I have ever exercised any of the gifts though.
I have a class this weekend on the gifts of the spirit. It is a training and prepping class to help Christians move into their gifting. I am going because I want those gifts. It dawned on my yesterday that I want the gifts to help confirm my relationship with God though. Yeah I want to help advance the kingdom, but that is not the motivation for attending. I want the gifts so that I know without a doubt that I have been baptized with the holy spirit and that my salvation is real.
I don’t really doubt my salivation, but there are times that I want more of a confirmation than faith offers. It gets tough at times and faith doesn’t always seem like enough. Doubts will come in that maybe I am not saved or maybe God is not real. They only happen when I am busy and my schedule is hectic. I am spread thin at those times and more exposed to these types of attacks.
I don’t mind admitting I have doubts as much as I used to anymore. In fact, when I do, it seems like a huge burden has been removed from me. It is liberating and healthy as now I release it where God can work me through it. Hopefully this will help me get past my mental block on spiritual gifts and give me a desire to pursue them for the right reasons.