Loneliness and Hurt in the Pursuit of Others

I have a friend who the other day posted “what is the punch line” on facebook. See this friend has been going through a trying year and is struggling to understand.

Her husband left her a year ago for a woman he met while playing World of Warcraft. He would stay up late at night playing while she slept since he did not work due to a disability. This came as a complete surprise to her, but I had been warning her about monitoring his activities. I used to be an avid gamer and I understand what happens when you play solo like that late at night. It is something I have done, so I warned her based on my own experiences and a hunch. I am sorry that I was correct in this.

Well, he refused to file for divorce as he did not want to spend the money, so he fled to Louisiana to live with his parents and play his games. She did not want to file at first while trying to be obedient to God, but it finally came down to where she could no longer handle the thought of being married to a man who was treating her the way he was. It took awhile be they were finally divorced.

During the divorce process, she reconnected with old friends on facebook. One of the friends was an old high school boyfriend who wanted to reconnect and start talking again. Things proceeded slowly, then the compliments came and which were eventually followed by the nekkid pictures. Her old boyfriend was married and living in Maryland, but he wanted to carry out a sexting relationship long distance. She, being lonely and unsure of herself, followed along with the arrangement for awhile but then quit due to conviction and guilt. The man would not give up however and the pictures kept coming until another friend blocked the number for her.

This new male friend was dating a woman who was having issues with pills and theft. Both my friend and her friend began hanging out innocently enough talking and encouraging each other until he started making some of the same comments as the guy from Maryland had made. Still being lonely, she gave in to the physical draw and the two proceeded to become intimate, but something stopped them before they actually had sex. The next week the friend sent her a text to let her know that he was going to marry the girlfriend and wanted her help to get his parents on board.

This punch line that she is wanting is the reasoning behind the emotional struggles she has been having. She is wanting God to explain why this is happening and to set her free from this process of emotional struggles. I told her the punch line is that she needs to stop searching for love and a sense of belonging through other people and focus on God first.

I see this happen with so many friends where they are so desperate to find a mate and they do not understand why they keep finding people who will use them. As a Christian, we should seek God first. I know it doesn’t seem fair to be alone, but we were never promised to have a mate. Fair is not the issue. Focusing on God is the issue. It is a sad state of being, but I understand it after having gone through it in the past. Patience seems hard at times when I get frustrated after having to repeat myself, but I guess it all takes a different amount of time to connect with the reality of God.


Filed under Bible, Christianity, Relationships, Religion

4 responses to “Loneliness and Hurt in the Pursuit of Others

  1. Know thyself, and to one’s self be true.

    A more modern version is to always ask yourself: how will I feel about this in the morning?

    Both notions have the virtue of thinking proactively rather than just reacting. Bad things often come with sudden reactions – just ask any chemist or soldier – whereas placing one’s self in a position of quiet and honest reflection before an act is undertaken seems to me to be the wiser course.

    I’m unclear what ‘connecting with the reality of god’ means so I’m unclear about how that helps people who tend to make bad decisions.

  2. I really feel for that lady, she’s being used at every single stop along the way…my heart goes out to her.

    I am not sure why this is happening, but I do know it’s definitely an issue another woman can speak to…she needs to seek out her friends that are women and have a real heart to heart with them so she can find out where some of these mistakes are happening. There is no rhyme and reason for it happening, and there may not be a suitor at the end of this, but there will be people to love and care aout what she thinks and feels…that’s whats most important.

    As a guy I understand the men in the story and why the did what they did, I also disagree with their choices (obviously). Its good to see this from a womans side – because it reveals pain still hurts whether your the one committing the act or recieving it.

  3. @tildeb

    Most Christians will talk about asking for peace from God or think that God is watching over them, but not many will tell you that they connect with God on a physical level. The physical is what I am talking about. When I feel peace, I actually feel the peace wrap around me. That is what I mean by the reality of God. It is not just an idea or desire, but something more tangible to me. It is a validation of my faith and I wish more people could experience it.


    She has not stopped after any of her relationships to see what healing she needs. It has been one constant plan of moving on to the next one so she will not be alone. I find many women like this. I try and warn them cause there are a lot of men that are more than willing to say some nice things in order to use them, but after awhile you just learn that they have to learn that on their own. Be positive and reaffirming and tell them when they are on the wrong path. It is up to them to decide to heed the warning, but at least I am not a silent bystander.

    • Gotcha. I understand many who report the same kind of feelings through their own experiences.

      I would never deny the reality of the experiences themselves. The only criticism I offer is determining how they are attributed.

      But you are right in the sense that those who reach this kind of state – whether by prayer or meditation or some other means – are usually wide open to deep reflection, so someone bouncing from relationship to relationship seeking company might find this kind of experience a very valuable and welcome revelation… finding within what one assumes to exist only without.

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