I feel like I keep getting confronted with people who are so desperate to not be alone that they willingly compromise themselves is unusual areas. Now I am not against compromise as any successful relationship requires it, but shouldn’t there be areas where you refuse to compromise beliefs?
A lovely friend is ready to be married that she has been searching online for potential partners. I don’t have anything against dating in this manner, but when she meets someone who appears to be compatible, her hopes are raised and she thanks God for bringing her mate to her. The downside is that after a date or two, usually when they realize that she is unwilling to sleep with them right away, they stop calling. Now they have said all of the right things, which is why she went out with them in the beginning. They are Christian and love God deeply. They want a family and so on. The problem is that anyone can say anything they want to and it does not make it so. You have to be around a person to see if their words and actions are in alignment. I have suggested several times that she might want to step back and not push so hard to find a mate. If she is trusting God for a mate, then maybe she should focus more on God and less on finding the mate. She agrees with the assessment until she finds another possible match and then the focus is on him. My problem with her approach, besides being destructive to herself, is that if she wants God to bless the relationship, her focus needs to be on God and not the relationship.
Another friend is a mess. She left her husband last year after carrying on some what of an affair for the last two years. Thinking that her new man would be with her once she left her husband she finally made the decision to leave. Her man was happy and would come over and do stuff when he was drunk, but the relationship was still not what she wanted. As with her marriage, her new man was more focused on himself instead of her or her child. This new man was less emotionally abusive, but still abusive. Her situation got better, but it wasn’t good. After a months of tormenting herself with his antics, she broke it off with him. I suggested that she give up men for awhile as she has some serious issues that need to be dealt with. Her mother has always been in emotionally and physical abusive relationships and my friend is destined to repeat that pattern unless she heals and makes some real changes. Heading my advice, she started sleeping with one of her friends who fits her pattern. This man is a nice guy, but is focused on himself. He plays in a band and has a job, but is routinely risking jail time for not paying child support and many foreclosure notices. She wants to fix him and she does with all of her men. Now she is pregnant and the man isn’t sure how much of a part in this child’s life he wants to be. He would like to be more involved if it was a girl, but since it isn’t he is rather standoffish. She makes bad decisions time and time again, so it really is her fault at the situation she is in, but she is so afraid of being alone that she doesn’t mind compromising until she realizes the degree of compromise involved. She has started going to church and I bought her a bible last year, but she doesn’t understand what a relationship with God is like. She does church but that is not the same.
I could go on with many more stories. I have realized that people like this are either drawn to me or I am drawn to them. I do my best to explain that God wants to be with them and take away that loneliness, but it is hard for people to embrace what they can not see and have not truly experienced yet. Instead they choose to follow what they know even though what they know does not work out. The problem is trying to get them to understand what a good relationship is like. Once the standard has been set, it is easy to judge where current relationships lack. Without that standard though, good is only better than the last one.