I haven’t really posted anything in the last few weeks as I have been preoccupied with family issues. I have a ton to write on, but no real time or patience to write until here recently.
About two months ago, my paternal grandmother was moved into a hospice treatment area at her nursing home. She developed a condition while in the nursing home that she could either have surgery or undergo the hospice treatment. She chose hospice. This was somewhat significant as she has been battling Alzheimer’s for the last two years. She was slowly loosing the ability to speak and struggled with finding the right words, but when this news came about she was lucid and made the decision and even planned her funeral. We were told she had up to 6 months to live.
Two weeks ago, she was moved out of the nursing home and into a full time hospice facility. She was declining quickly and they did whatever they could to make her comfortable. This is where I began having issues. I knew she would die but I hadn’t really faced the emotions that go along with that until the first night she went in. I prayed with her and told her how I feel and I got my closure early on. My problem with this whole experience actually came about from the rest of my family.
My father’s side is really a big family. There are about 50 of us with aunts, uncles and cousins combined. We all deal with grief differently. I ran into my issues as the family decided to camp in and around her room in order to feel good. My perception at least. If they were cold, they would turn up her air conditioner. They watched TV and talked around her and she never really had a chance to relax. I know that they were wanting to spend time with her, but they put her needs and comfort last. This angered me and I expressed that to my dad who I knew was upset about it as well. He told me to not be angry as they were trying to grieve, which I knew. It wasn’t until he told me to “chill” and that my hard feelings only server Satan that I lost it.
I have had bitterness towards that part of my family for quite awhile. I am only really close to three people and one of them was dying in front of me. I didn’t want to hear it even though it was the truth. I was grieving and angry and that is all that mattered. I thought about it and prayed about it and found peace. Their actions annoy and anger me, and while I consider their actions wrong, I do not want to judge them. The judging part is what really hit me though.
The Matthew 7 verse “Judge not, lest ye be judged” is what came to mind and I hadn’t really thinking about being judgmental in my attitude toward them, but I knew I was. Now I have heard this verse used out of context many times, but I was judging or condemning this because of their actions. While their actions were wrong, there was a why behind them that I was not considering while being angry at them. Prayer and forgiveness later, I moved away from the anger and condemnation to more of a compassion / pity as I do not know they why they are behaving the way they are. While I will speak out against their actions, I will not hold them against them. There is always an opportunity to learn and change in every thing we encounter.
I know longer have to deal with their selfish behavior as she died this morning. Now on to dealing with the emotions and grief of actually processing her death.