When I first felt called to do ministry, I tried to talk to people and most ended up saying that if you can be happy doing anything else, do that. Lately I have been rethinking that. I am good at several things. I love to cook and have done that in the pass. I have been tossing the idea around of getting a food truck or trailer and work weekend events and fair type things. I think I would enjoy it, but at times ideas always sound better than realities.
I know why ministry does not seem as appealing to me. I do not pursue God the way I should. Strange to say that and be studying for ministry, but that is the truth. I knew I wanted to study and do something ministry related. The something has such a broad spectrum attached to it, but I had no idea what. I could see myself preaching and leading people into great areas of revelation, but that was more pride driven then anything else.
Have you ever noticed that people who are called to ministry are best suited to the areas in their life that has been the most turbulent? I guess it gives you more authority since you are talking from a place that you have personal knowledge in. You can tell the people from an authoritative stance on what you have been delivered from and say that God did it for you. That is if you think God did it for you. If you think someone else did it or you did it for yourself, your probably not looking at a ministry opportunity. For some reason, I have not embraced that idea. It has always been with me, but not what I wanted to do.
I started school many moons ago and I am losing the drive for it. I am tired of theology. I probably immersed myself too far into areas in which I wasn’t ready or just not cut out for. I joined groups that talked theology and it helped form my ideas, but when you see the internal bickering over the most foolish topics, it kind of puts a bad taste in your mouth. Every time I see the discussions, I am amazed at how empty some people’s lives are and how annoyed with the amount of crap that I have to delete out of my inbox. Such a waste of my time to read something that is pointless in the grand scheme. Aggravates me thinking about it.
During the studies, I have come up with several ideas. It is better to do then talk about it. Not a radical concept in theory, but you might be surprised how many people think talking about it is the same as doing. I also like teaching from different sources. Since Christianity is basically stolen and updated Judaism, a little simplified I know, it makes sense to understand Judaism better to make sure your not taking Christianity on some wild goose chase such as Replacement Theology or the like. I will discuss and honestly talk to Jews, but when it comes to many areas, I am way over my head. I know from this, that at least at this time, I am not called to lead Jewish people to Christ. I would be a fool to assume that I was, but we all do foolish things.
I know that I am not called to be a teacher. At least not now that is. I think when I started school, I wanted to become a renown theologian and make a mark. Stupid pride again cause that is not going to happen anytime soon. I get the principles and I understand aspects of God and feel comfortable talking about them, but I have no patience for the amount of research it takes to write an exegesis on a paragraph of the Bible. It is just not me and I get frustrated trying to be something I am not. Takes awhile to get to the point of understanding that I am not called to do that, as I stated above, the idea is often more appealing than the reality.
So where does that leave me? Confused is probably the most accurate description.
I have seen pastors on TV and in different church settings and I have thought how unusual it is that so many seem boring. This is supposed to be their calling and passion and I want to hit myself in the head when listening to them. They might not have understood that that was not their calling, but they are sure trying. I like the pastors the most who are energetic and it seems like second nature to them. Most will tell you how this is not how they were before they were saved and you can really see the hand of God on them. I wanted to be a pastor like that. I do not want to be boring. That is not who I am. I would put myself to sleep and that is a sure sign that I am doing something wrong. I don’t want to be a trendy pastor either. I have several of the “hipster” traits, no skinny jeans though, but I do not consider myself what this generation considers a hipster. I grew up listening, watching and doing what is trendy now. Either I was a head of my time or they are reliving my time. Either way, I have something to relate to them.
My calling, I think, has always been with the late high school and college kids. That is when I went way off the deep end. I am not proud of my past, but I do use it a lot like Paul does his time with the Pharisees. I do not usually do anything half way. I am all about all or nothing and that is how I lived. Alcohol and drugs in abundance. Sex was like a social thing. I am still at that point where I can not be shocked by outrageous behavior, but stupidity will get a reaction from me. I loved the rock n roll lifestyle. Friends turned an old warehouse into a crash pad / bar and if it felt good and no one got hurt, then it was all ok. I have lived the life of over indulgence. Not proud, but to keep it in perspective, this was who I was. My problem is that when I drift away from God, this is what I want to drift back towards.
For me, I am either good at being a Christian or good at being a heathen. There is no real middle ground for me. Of course now when I start drifting back, I become depressed as God has truly become a life source for me. People can attribute it to whatever they want, but I can not and will not deny the change that God has made and the fact that I know what His presence feels like for me. This is how I know it was not some emotional response to want to please people or whatever else might be claimed. I have physically felt God and there is not mistaking that. Probably the best feeling memory and I become depressed because I take myself out of that position. A bit self-destructive huh?
So where do I go? All I can think of at this time is talking about what I feel as it has guided me fairly well through everything. I have to be who I am and maybe someone will be helped by the honesty of my mess. I am not going to be a trendy pastor like Driscoll, because those types come off rather douchey to me. I do not know him and he might be a perfectly wonderful person, but he seems fake and I just can not relate to him. I hope those who can are helped by him and do not take this as a slight against him.
So whatever happens, the plan is to follow the urges from the Holy Spirit and see what happens.